I’m honestly so down and out about life, it seems as if everytime I get really excited about something in life.. the idea or the notion gets taken away in an instant. . I am just fed up going through the same struggles I am going through within the depths of life. There are so much people in this world that have it so much easier, and I wonder to god what requirements must you have in order to get certain privileges.. I just feel that good people get punished way harder more emotionally than others and its sad. . I no longer get hopeful or happy about anything any longer. . and I hate that I am twenty years old I shouldn’t feel this way at all.. but this feeling is not going away and I am afraid it will never go away nothing makes me excited or happy anymore and I honestly do not know how much longer I could deal with this immense unknown sadness. . I am sick and tired of it..
I don’t understand why I keep allowing myself to fall into re-occuring pattern of loneliness, I keep running back to someone who barely cares about me or my well-being just loves me because I give a feeling of comfort and security to them. I wasted 3 years of my life going on 4 to someone who honestly never loved me from the beginning. Without me being with him or even talking to him makes me feel as if I’ll be lonely forever while he finds someone better than me. I have a problem, a serious one for loving someone who isn’t even capable of loving themself. I guess that is where we share common grounds because I don’t love myself I should have walked away a long time ago. My biggest fear about walking away from him, is the crazy belief that I will never find someone like him, but isn’t that the point, isn’t the point of all of this is to find someone better than he will ever be. I am just scared I will end up forever alone, I really need to stop allowing people to be the cause of my sorrow and start loving myself. God has me on this earth with my two legs, my eyes, my hands and most importantly my heart functioning; there is so many people that would love to have these things and they are left without them watching selfish people like myself not truly cherishing it. It honestly makes me feel so selfish and honestly unappreciative. I just want to live a healthy, happy long life with the people I love and also God. I want to end up with someone who truly loves me and cares about me and also is proud to have me but first I must leave the past where it belongs and also start loving me. I need to be proud to be ME, before it is too late …
So.. I was thinking to myself last night while waking up during the middle of the night, and it just got the best of me. I really wish I had the same effort that I put into relationships or into people I had no business putting effort into the same way I did when it came to my education… Looking at some of the people that I had classes with over the years fulfilling their dream into becoming nurses by being in the program , it just makes me feel a tad regretful and sad.. It just feels like I’m starting all over and also makes me feel as if I will never jump into a career until I’m in my late 20’s. It just makes me feel .. I don’t even have a word for it . . Just wish I would of made better choices..
I’m really starting to hate life.. .